Scunthorpe United v Brentford

Saturday, August 26, 2006

Football League One

Scunthorpe United :
Murphy, Byrne, Crosby (Baraclough 31), Foster, Williams, Mulligan, Hinds (Taylor 58), Sparrow, Foy (Ferretti 59), Keogh, Sharp
Subs not used:
Lillis, Paul

Brentford :
Nelson, O'Connor, Heywood, Griffiths, Tillen, Brooker, Pinault, Mousinho, Rhodes (Tomlin 67), Moore (Charles 80), Kuffour
Subs not used:
Masters, Osborne, Ide

SULSESC REPORT

by Neil Holland at Glanford Park

ARE you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin.

Once upon a time in a land about 200 miles up from London, there lived a few warriors in a mighty town called Scunthorpe.

They all lived happily in a fortress called Glanford Park (well, I say fortress, but it's actually looking a bit shabby; there's no water in the moat, no-one's bothered fixing the drawbridge, and the walls are crumbling a little, but for now, let's pretend that it's a real mighty fortress).

Inside the fortress there's a mighty treasure called the ‘Three Points’, a bejewelled three-pointed idol, which the holders are sworn to protect.

Hanging around the entrance there are a real mixture of people defending the fortress. Standing by the drawbridge, there's Andy Skeels, the mad Irishman who'll tear your head off as much as look at you.

Waiting just inside, there's Steve Sumner, the young rookie, out to impress everyone; Neil Wright, the retired doorman who's still willing to mix it up with anyone, but his reactions are going a bit; Darren Robertshaw, the Big Red C*ck, amiable enough but sometimes found wanting when the going gets tough; and finally Mal Watson, the town drunk.

Inside the great hall sits the planning team, busy thinking up ideas of how to invade the next town.

At the head of the table sits Chris Pettitt, quiet but efficient. To his right sits Bob Dook, the man from far out east with the big ideas, and Mark Borrill, the wildman fresh out of his latest spell in the town jail. On his left, Colin Lowe, the quiet new boy who nobody knew too much about.

Busy honing their skills out in the courtyard, Lucky Butt, the mighty swordsman, and Vic Duke, his talented sidekick, are itching to get into battle.

Suddenly a mighty roar goes up. A bunch of Southerners have ridden all the way up from a town called Brentford and are looking to attack the fortress and capture the ‘Three Points’.

Andy, Steve, Neil, Darren and Mal ready themselves to protect the entrance to the fortress whilst Lucky Butt and Vic ride out to meet the attackers, backed up by Chris, Bob, Mark and Colin.

The battle begins tentatively, some good swordsmanship from both sides, but no killer thrusts.

Half an hour in and neither side has made any headway when down goes Neil Wright under a fierce attack. He's dragged back to the safety of the fortress medical room, and is replaced by Ian Tremayne, an old war veteran, who's seen it all but can still handle a sword.

He's immediately into the heart of the fighting, but things are to get worse for the defenders of the fortress. As a wall of guards repel a strong wave of attacks, one of the Southerners breaks through, and as Andy Skeels rushes to meet him, he nips through and seizes the ‘Three Points’.

The attackers retreat to their base camp and look to defend the treasure.

After 15 minutes resting, the fighting resumes with the Scunthorpe warriors looking to retrieve the stolen idol. They're not making much headway however, and the tiring Darren and Colin are replaced in the ranks by Chris Vaughan, an erractic clown with more pace than sense, and Keith Solomon, a temperamental Italian with a love of pasta.

Instantly our intrepid heroes are galvanised, and this sparks wave upon wave of attack. Finally, they're rewarded - one of the Southerners buckles under the pressure and offers to share the idol, breaking it into three pieces. One of the points is given to our gallant warriors, the other retained by the attackers, and the final one lost forever down some deep dark hole (okay, it falls apart a bit here...).

The Southerners turn for home, settling for their day’s work, but the fighters from Scunthorpe continue to attack. Chris is running round them like a sheepdog, whilst Lucky Butt, Vic, Keith and Mark attempt to lay them to the sword. Keith and then Lucky Butt look set to retrieve all the treasure, but are denied by wooden fortifications.

Again and again, the heroes are thwarted until finally the Southerners get away, riding off into the sunset with their one point.

Our gallant fighters return to the fortress, with the solitary point, feeling completely robbed.

The End...

Credits:

Director - Brian Laws

Key Grip - Russ Wilcox

Starring

Joe Murphy as Andy Skeels

Cliff Byrne as Darren Robertshaw

Andy Crosby as Neil Wright

Steve Foster as Mal Watson

Marcus Williams as Steve Sumner

Dave Mulligan as Bob Dook

Matthew Sparrow as Mark Borrill

Richard Hinds as Chris Pettitt

Robbie Foy as Colin Lowe

Billy Sharp as Lucky Butt

Andy Keogh as Vic Duke

Featuring

Cleveland Taylor as Chris Vaughan

Ian Barraclough as Ian Tremayne

Andrea Ferretti as Keith Solomon